I couldn’t sleep last night. It was my fault because I decided to partake in a few low sugar dark chocolate covered espresso beans.
At 10 pm.
That, and the cat nap I had at dinnertime helped me to have a very restless night of sleep.
When I am awake in the middle of the night, I usually talk to Jesus and get stuff sorted out. I did have an insightful moment with Him, and thought, hmm, I should blog about it. I was so awake at 4 am, that I thought about getting up and actually doing it right then.
But then I remembered, zombie walkers come out at night. And there is a non-covered window in our office. So, yeah. That idea was out. We don’t need them seeing me, and getting all hungry like and frantic to get in the house.
Yes, my husband forced me to watch every.stinking.episode of The Walking Dead. And yes, I have nightmares about it because predators are my worst fear ever. Sharks, lions, child molesters and zombies.. all the same in my book. MEAN! And, yes. I believe zombies are predators. The fact that they aren’t real doesn’t help at 4am in the morning, when my vain imagination thinks I can hear them.
We even have an 87 year old neighbor that shuffles by at dinnertime, and I swear she sounds like a shuffling walker. Ask my husband. I mention it every time.
I need help.
All that to let you know.. I have been wanting to write a series of post with the above title for years. I even have the rights to a website with the name. Life happens. Fear happens. I get distracted. This is usually the way it goes when I get an idea.
I don’t know how frequent these posts will be, but I do know it’s starting today.
The first confession? I’m overweight, and I’m mad about it. And…I’m fearful, read petrified, I will always be this way.
In my espresso bean buzzed head, I started up a convo with Jesus.
Me: Why I am so messed up? Why don’t I do what I say I’m going to do? (If you must know.. I was referring to a healthy eating plan that I didn’t stick to, even though I know my body does better on it.)
Him: You are afraid.
Me: I am? Ohhh. Yep.. I’m afraid of pain, and I’m afraid of failure, so that makes a lot of sense. (In my messed up mind, if I don’t really start, then I can’t really fail..genius, right?)
We talked for longer, but I dozed off, and don’t remember what we said. I do know that He gave me some major insight though. For someone that struggles daily with the chronic muscle pain of fibromyalgia, you would think I could muscle through “simple” pain better. But that is not the case. I didn’t realize fear had wrapped its way around daily decisions in my life. I know it’s crazy to fear a zombie attack. I get that. And I pray through it. Really.. sometimes, I seriously have to pray a sound mind over it. I’m a bit cray cray. The Walking Dead has ruined me!
Back to the point.. I hadn’t made the connection to pray through the little daily things I fear though.
The fear that I’m never going to get healthy.
The fear that I’m messing my children up beyond repair.
The fear that I’m not good enough to be in this position God gave me.
The fear that if I don’t cook perfectly, and parent perfectly, my children will be miserable in their bodies, like I am, one day.
The fear that I will let my heavily burdened husband down, and that it will affect our family and our church plant.
I am just a big old walking fear factory. There you go.. 1st confession. I am not even going to attempt to wrap this declaration into a tidy box with a pretty bow, as I so want to do. I just love me some tidy boxes with pretty bows. Because then everyone will think I have it all together.
But as we all know now, I don’t. Who needs to spend time on the boxes and bows then, if we’ve been made aware of some truth?
This is what I’m mulling over today. How about you? What are your confessions?